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LOVE and FEAR
The Inseparable Twins of a Blessed Matrimony

A Wedding Sermon by Nathanael Hardy
Presented in the Year 1658
edited and modernized by Jeffrey Homstad 

To the generous Mr. William Christmas, Merchant¹, and the virtuous Mrs. Elizabeth Christmas, his wife. 

~~~ Many comfortable days and a blessed eternity. ~~~

Ephesians 5:33
Nevertheless, let everyone of you in particular so love his Wife even as himself, and the Wife (see) that she reverence her Husband.

Holy Writ is a treasury of all kinds of learning, both divine and human, supernatural and natural, theological and moral. It may truly be compared to the sea, for as all rivers come from the sea, so do all sciences and arts come from the Scripture. For where shall we find more logical arguments and rhetorical strains than in these writings? What deep secrets of natural philosophy and sublime notions concerning the starry heavens may we read in many of these pages? These holy lines bring instruction upon ethical virtues, provide sound principles for state policy, and contain choice precepts for economical practice. Astronomy (the queen of the sciences), mathematics, logic and rhetoric (the chief arts), and even natural and moral philosophy may by an intelligent reader be found graven upon the Bible. 

Such teaching is found in the close of this epistle to the Ephesians. Our apostle, here, teaches a moral philosophy of the family, identifying three relationships as those which complete its structure: husband and wife, parents and children, and master and servants. And regarding each of these relationships, Saint Paul also instructs us in the various duties of each.²

Outline

From this text, our focus will be upon the duties of the husband and the wife, upon which will be presented three points for your serious consideration: (1) Marriage Defined as one husband and one wife. (2) The Marriage Duties of each unfolded: on the man, that he so love his wife as himself, on the wife, that she reverence her husband. And (3) The Personal Application to be made by everyone of those duties to himself, observed in the phrase, “Let everyone of you in particular.”

These are the three precious fruits we are to gather from this branch of the tree of life, and though in hearing they may not be sweet to your taste, yet I am sure if well eaten and digested by meditation and practice, this instruction will bring wholesome nutrition to your souls.

(1). Marriage Defined

Almighty God is a lover of unity, not singularity. He Himself is but one, and yet, He is not alone from all eternity—there is a Trinity of Persons in the Unity of Essence. And if we look into the creation we shall find both a harmony and a…Share on X

This pair is the first pair and the foundation for all other relationships in this life. Those various relations of parents and children, master and servants, king and subjects, all spring out of this. Man and wife are the first link of human society, to which all the rest are joined: families, cities, countries, nations, the whole world, yes even the church depend upon this pair of husband and wife. 

Although so much flows from this relation, marriage itself is only between two. It is not man and wives, wife and men, but man and wife. The one God has appointed one woman for one man, to become one. As Malachi so plainly understood it, “Did not he make one?…” (Mal. 2:15). 

God could have made more than one Eve for Adam. It might even have seemed most necessary for the speedier populating of the world to have multiplied his wives, “But wherefore one? because he sought a godly seed” (Mal. 2:15), that is, a seed arising from godly means. 

Adam in paradise no doubt sought after all his heart’s content and comfort, and yet, he had but one wife. From this it appears the pleasure of having one wife surpasses that of having many. For truly, where there are many wives there cannot but arise violent and deadly contentions, which the one-woman man prevents. Monogamy is more comfortable and honorable than polygamy, and is most conducive to that which all relations desire most: peace. 

Do you remember who was the first to divide the one rib into two parts? It was Lamech, that wicked tyrant. And it is observable that the name of his second wife, Zillah, signifies a shadow, such a woman being only the shadow of a wife (Gen. 4:19). The truth is, polygamy even in the patriarchs was only an infirmity. And even while polygamy was prolifically practiced, it was not allowed by God, and therefore is not to be imitated by us. The marriage that is nearest to the primitive institution, and surest of divine benediction, is that which is defined as only between two persons, who thus united are here called husband and wife.

(2). The Marriage Duties

We now pass on to the marriage duties of the husband and the wife. These are summed up by the apostle in two words, and those may very well be expressed in two monosyllables: love and fear³—love, the sugar to sweeten the duty of authority belonging to the man, fear, the salt to enhance the duty of subjection belonging to the wife. And it is these two compendious practices which each must strive after in all their demeanor and behavior one towards another. 

The man’s duty is set down first in two points, and indeed, it is fit that the man should be first in the practice of his duty—precedency calls for presidency, priority of place priority of duty. Inferiors⁴ are best encouraged to do their part when those who are above them are exemplary in performing theirs. The man indeed is superior to the wife, so then he must go before her in a good example so that by the doing of his duty, she may be animated in the performance of her own. 

The Duty of the Husband: To Love 

The Premise of the Husband’s Love

First, the act required of husbands is love, and it is not an unfit question to ask, why does the apostle make the choice of love to express the man’s duty? After all, there are many duties which the man owes to the wife as well as love. To which I answer, that man’s charge to love is due: (1) for men are most apt to be defective in this, and so love will moderate the use of their authority, (2) the man’s expression of love is the best way to gain this reverence from the wife, and (3) love is the fulfilling of all the Law. 

1. Looking backward: The apostle a little before calls upon the wives to submit. Now indeed, that which belongs to the man in most direct opposition to submitting, is governing, but men are apt enough to exercise their authority without bidding. And besides, that man is to govern is already implied in the woman’s duty of submitting. Letting that go therefore, he rather chooses to call upon the man to love, both because men are most apt to be defective in this, and so this will teach them how to use their authority. For true love will instruct him to exercise this power sparingly, mildly, and affectionately. It is too often seen that men because of their superiority, insult⁵ over their wives. And why this? But for lack of love. It is no marvel if authority degenerates into tyranny where this moderator is absent. It is for this cause that the apostle presupposes the power of governing, and requires love as that which should temper and moderate the use of that power. 
2. Looking forward: Saint Paul in the following clause reminds the wife of reverence (or fear, as it is found in the Greek). And truly, the man’s expression of love is the best way to gain this reverence from the wife. One has said it excellently, “If thou wouldst have thy wife to reverence thee, do thou love her.” It is not befitting a wife to yield to that husband who tries to force a fear from her by an austere, churlish⁶, and surly⁷ handling of himself. It is not the husband’s place to exact fear from his wife in such a way. The woman must not be drawn but led, not forced, but wooed unto her duty to fear by love.
3. Looking circumspectly: This duty to love was the most fit to be mentioned here, because in keeping this all the rest of the law is kept, fitly resembling David’s instrument of ten strings. To the Greeks, the chief thing in a speaker is first action, secondly action, and thirdly action. So I say to any who inquire what the prime duty of a husband is, “First affection, secondly affection, thirdly affection.” Thus, so much as love is the fulfilling of the Law (Rom 3:10), so it also fulfills the whole duty of the man to the wife.

To the Greeks, the chief thing in a speaker is first action, secondly action, and thirdly action. So I say to any who inquire what the prime duty of a husband is, “First affection, secondly affection, thirdly affection.”Share on X

The Practice of the Husband’s Love

Therefore, this is why love is presented here, but what is it to look like in practice? We will consider how love requires: (1) a proper appreciation for one’s wife, (2) an affectionate care and delight in her company, and (3) manifestation not only in word, but in deed. 

Appreciation

The precursor to this love is having a proper appreciation for one’s wife. Judgment is the source and spring of affection from which it proceeds, and according to which it is proportioned. What the mind esteems not the heart affects not, and what we highly prize we dearly love. The love then of a man to his wife presupposes in him a singular consideration and a high valuation of her. Thus, every man ought to esteem his wife as God’s gift, choice and precious, such a present as the whole world could not provide him the like.

Furthermore, the man ought to look upon his wife remembering for what special end God gave her to him, namely, as a helpmeet for and suitable to him. The wife, since the fall, was appointed for three ends: (1) for a remedy against fornication, (2) for the procreation of children, and (3) for helpful communion. This last end is no doubt the first in Divine intention, and so it ought to be in the man’s apprehension. He that takes a wife only as a remedy will love her but as men do medicine—for use, yea, for mere necessity. He that marries only for posterity will love her as a mother, not as a wife. A man can only rightly love his bride by looking upon her, and accordingly taking her for a yoke-fellow and companion. 

The right estimation then of a wife is to account her as next to himself, and so above either children or servants—by marriage he becomes not a master but a husband, and takes not a handmaid but a wife. In this respect, the psalmist, comparing the wife to a vine, places her by the sides of his house (Psa. 128:3). Not on top of the house, nor by the floor of the house, but by the sides of the house, a middle place between both. They that go by our sides are our companions. Such is the wife to the man, and so ought her to be in his esteem. Indeed, the formation of woman out of man’s rib clearly represents this truth. She was not made of the head, and therefore must not rule over the husband, nor yet of any anterior part, and therefore she must not be before the husband. She was not made of the foot to be kept under as a servant, nor yet of any hinder part to be put behind as a child. But she was made of a rib in his side, and therefore to be esteemed and engaged with as a fellow-helper. 

Care and Delight

The heart ingredients of a man’s love to his wife are a cordial care for her welfare, and an affectionate delight in her society. So there is seen a double love: a love of benevolence—where there is a happy endeavor after and a hearty wish for the good of one another—and a love of satisfied contentment—where we are well pleased in the enjoyment of one another. Both of these make up the man’s love to his wife. 

 In this respect, the wife is called the wife of the bosom (Deut. 13:6). The bosom is a place of repose, and the things we put in our bosoms are such as we take delight in. For this cause Christ is said to be, “in the bosom of the Father” (John 1:28), to note that it “is He in whom the Father is well pleased” (Math. 3:17). And John is said “to lean on Jesus’ bosom” (John 13:23), because “he was the disciple whom Jesus loved” (John 20:2), and in whose converse he was singularly delighted. The wife is also the desire of the eyes (Ezek. 24:16), meaning in her absence we long for her, and in her presence we behold with joy. 

Both of these expressions do plainly suggest what delighted contentment and satisfaction the man ought to take in the converse and enjoyment of his wife. For as love is also called a rejoicing (Prov. 5:18), Solomon brings his counsel, saying, “Let thy wife be to thee as the loving hind, and as the pleasant roe” (Prov. 5:19), or according to the Hebrew, a hind of loves, a roe of favors. The mates of those females are the hart and the roebuck, which naturalists observe are more enamored with their mates than all other creatures. And this is to instruct the man upon the most proper act of matrimonial love which is the affectionate well-pleasedness he should have with his wife (Col. 3:19). 

Protection, Provision, and Patience

The effects of this love are chiefly protection, provision, and an enduring patience. Love is ever active, being like the fire which sends forth light and heat. Indeed action is the most real proof of affection. Love is to be in word as well as in deed. Thus, the husband’s love to his wife must manifest itself. 

Firstly, in protecting her by all his power from injuries. It is the Psalmist’s expression, “Thou Lord wilt bless the righteous, with favor wilt thou compass him as with a shield” (Psalm 5:12). Love always improves what ability it has in being a shield to what it affects, and so ought the husband’s love express itself in defending his wife from injury. It is well observed that the rib of which woman was made, was taken from under the man’s arm. This was to teach him that as the use of the arm is to keep off blows from the body, so the office of a husband is to ward off dangers from his wife. It is the speech of Ruth to Boaz, “Spread thy skirt over thine handmaid” (Ruth 3:9). The Hebrew word which we render skirt, properly signifies a wing, and so the metaphor is borrowed from birds who spread their wings over their young ones, to preserve them from harm. This was what Boaz owed to Ruth as a kinsman. And much more when a husband, this is the man’s part, to spread the skirts or wings of protection over his wife. In regard to Sarah concerning Abraham, King Abimilech said, “Behold, he is to thee a covering of the eyes” (Gen. 20:16). This expression is very suitable to this point. As Henry Ainsworth has well observed, it denotes not only subjection on the woman’s part, but protection on the man’s. 

Secondly, the husband’s love to his wife must manifest itself by providing for her conveniencies.⁸ Love is full of care, and care is diligent in providing. Such a provident care the man owes to his wife. A care not only so far as is necessary, but is convenient and suitable. This duty is that which the apostle expresses a little before in the two significant words of “nourishing,” and “cherishing” (Eph. 5:29). The former has been said to refer to food, and the latter to raiment, and both of which in a plentiful measure the man ought to afford his wife according to his degree and estate. The latter word, cherish, is also a metaphor, as another has observed, from hens sitting upon her eggs to keep them warm, and thereby to hatch her brood. This elegantly expresses what a tender, cherishing care matrimonial love obliges a man unto. Indeed, when the man marries a wife, she leaves her friends with whom she was educated, and her friends commit her to her husband’s custody. He should then take special care to provide for her. And because this love must be christian as well as conjugal, this care ought to be conversant not only about her body, but her soul, in which regard the apostle Peter wills husbands to dwell with their wives as men of knowledge, instructing them in the things which concern their everlasting welfare (1 Pet 3:7). 

Thirdly, Saint Paul tells us love is not easily provoked, and bears all things (1 Cor. 13:5,7). Saint Peter also says that love covers a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8). Love is not blind, and yet she often winks, not willing to take notice of the wrongs that are done. Therefore, the husband ought to express his affection to his wife. Indeed, this is the trial of his love, not to be stirred up to wrath when yet provocation is given, but rather, to silently pass by and patiently bear with her failings. Everyone will love when he is pleased, but that is love, to bear when provoked. This is what the Apostle intends to communicate when he adds to this precept of love a prohibition of bitterness, “Husbands love your Wives and be not bitter against them” (Col. 3:19). Be then not bitter upon slight causes, or small offenses, else their love be abated, or wrath exasperated. And thus you have beheld the several lines of the man’s duty meeting together in this one center of love. 

The Common Pitfalls of the Husband’s Love

What now remains is for all men to square their practice with this precept. But, alas, there is much cause for lament, or rather a sharp reproof! 

Not Loving, but Loathing Her

For is it not true before God how there are some who instead of loving, actually loathe their wives? And those who may not be so guilty of this contrary vice, are too defective in the exercise of the virtue; they do not hate, and yet they do not love their wives. And this lack of love is no small sin. Be pleased to consider further the many contrasts between this precept and men’s practices. 

Thinking Little of Her

How many husbands have base and unworthy esteems of their wives, as if they were their drudges?⁹ Little better are those who, like that emperor, imagine it were enough for wives that their husbands honor them by marrying them, and in the meantime they may indulge themselves the licentious liberty of voluptuous¹⁰ conversing with other women, for their wives society is rather a burden than a pleasure to them. 

Neglecting to Provide for Her a Comfortable Estate

No less justly are they to be condemned who prodigally squander their estate in riot and luxury, neglecting to maintain their family by providing for their conveniencies. Surely in such men there is neither the faith of a Christian nor the love of a husband. 

Thinking the Worst of Her

See also how many put a sinister construction upon all their wives’ actions. If she be devout, she is a hypocrite. If grave, she is melancholy. If cheerful, she is wanton. If she stays at home, she is lazy. If she goes abroad, a gadder.¹¹ So that nothing their wives do can please them, but rather, they are apt to quarrel with them upon every trifle, and are often enraged without any just occasion. I wish that men would consider how repugnant these courses are to Christianity.

Hating Her

Saint John says in another case, I may no less truly say in this, “If a man say I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar; for if he loves not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen” (1 John 4:20). In like manner, if a man says he loves God and hates his wife, he is a liar. For if he loves not his wife whom he sees, how can he love God whom he has not seen? 

Coveting Other Women

See also how so many husbands harbor strange fire in their hearts and love other women. As we read in the Law, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” (Exo. 20:17), however this is far too common for as heinous as it is. Solomon says, “Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times” (Prov. 5:19). But rather than being satisfied in the matrimonial love every husband ought to have for his own wife, a great many are just as Nadab and Abihu offering strange fire in the censer (Lev. 10:1-2). 

Yes, and with such a spirit of lewdness are some possessed, that they cannot love their wives for the very reason that they are their wives. It is an expression which (though odious) some mouths have not been ashamed to utter, I could love her were she not my wife. As if a man were to say, I could love these lands, these goods, but alas, they are mine. It should be obvious to every man how preposterous this reasoning is.

The truth is, the spring of love which is divided into many little rivers, only runs weakly. Truly, he that gives not all his love to his wife indeed gives none at all.Share on X

It is well observed that in the beginning while the waters were over the earth, there was nothing but barrenness, but when the waters were gathered into one place, the earth brought forth fruits, and the sea, fish. So too will love be most fruitful, when it is only settled upon the wife.

 Let this counsel be acceptable to all men: cause the stream of your affection to run in one channel, the lines of your delight to meet in one center. Love as entirely as you can your own wife, and all the more so because she is yourself. 

Conclusion

By these and several other ways do men discover a great defect of this duty which our apostle here calls for. May we therefore, all of us, be exhorted to a careful and cheerful performance of our duty. And as the apostle elsewhere advises, “Let all things be done in charity” (1 Cor. 16:14). So shall I say, let all things a man does to his wife be done in love: his looks, his speeches, how he handles himself, his actions, his familiarity, yes even his authority, his admonitions, and his reproofs, let all be sweetened with love. Thus ought a husband’s conjugal love to be extended, as it must also be limited to his own wife. 

The Pattern of the Husband’s Love

This leads me to the pattern of this love, as himself.

Preliminary Questions Answered

Some have asked, if the apostle has already proposed so excellent a pattern for husbands to follow, namely to love as Christ loves his Church, why does Paul now add a second, that the husband love his wife as himself? 

To answer, it must be observed how the annexing of this pattern of self-love to the husband’s duties is not to diminish in any way the full sufficiency of the former pattern presented. The picture of loving as Christ loves his church is abundantly sufficient both to persuade and direct husbands to their duty. But this more familiar experience of self-love is annexed at the end because it is a demonstration of love more plainly felt and discerned by us. As Saint Chrysostom says, ‘It is a more personal and familiar example.’ Not so of Christ’s love to his church, it being a heavenly love which surpasses knowledge (Eph. 3:19). Only the spiritual man knows, and that only in a scant measure, how Christ loves his church. Christ’s love to his Church is so transcendent in nature, and so far remote from our apprehension, that though we must follow after it, yet we may despair ever to come near it. But every man of this earth knows how he loves himself. And as our love to ourselves is better known, so it is more easily imitated. 

But, it may be objected, is not self-love a vice? Are not those hypocrites branded for this, that they are lovers of their own selves (2 Tim. 3:2)? How then is it that self-love is here set down as the pattern of a man’s love to his wife? 

This may be simply answered by seeing how there is an inordinate self-love, and a regular self-love. It is only the exorbitancy of self-love which is elsewhere condemned as a vice. The first and primary object of our love is God Himself, and as He is a superexcellent good, so our love to Him must be a superlative love. Such was David’s when he cried out, “Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee” (Psalm 73:25). Not goods, nor children, nor wife, no not even self may be loved as God. But next to, and under God comes in self, for there is nothing except God which can or ought to be dearer to a man than himself in this sense of a regular self-love. This is that love that serves as the grounding pattern not only of marriage, but even of how we are to love our neighbor. 

Having then answered this preliminary question, we look now to the Word before us. The most common interpretation of this phrase “as himself,” is that a man’s love to his wife should be like that which he bears to himself. But this very likely brings a double meaning, communicating not only a likeness or resemblance, but also a verity or sameness as well. She is not only like himself, nor less than himself, but she is a second self.

The Characteristics of Self-Love

First, in tracing the likeness, we shall learn much of the manner in which this love is to be performed, and that in these following six characteristics of self-love.

1. Self-Love is Cordial

A man’s love to himself is cordial without pretense. Though a man may feign friendship to others, a man cannot in this way make pretense with himself.  So also should a man’s love be to his wife—not an outside but an inside, not a feigned but a hearty love. The poet calls love a fire that burns within, and Plutarch says of friendship, that as minerals are hid in the bowels of the earth, so love is seated in the bottom of the heart. And surely, how much more true ought this to be of the love between man and wife, who as they are one flesh, so too should their hearts be joined together in one. As it was said of Jonathan that his soul was knit to David (1 Sam. 18:1), so ought the soul of the husband be to the wife. 

The ring in marriage is put upon the fourth finger of the left hand, concerning which we are told that the ring finger of all the rest has a small nerve passing from it to the heart. The truth of this I leave to skillful anatomists to determine. But the moral application is good, that putting the ring on such a finger, the husband be admonished of that near union there ought to be between, and dear affection there ought to be had in his heart to his wife. 

2. Self-Love is Constant

A man’s love to himself is constant. The ring given in marriage is of a circular figure, and a circle is the image of constancy to teach the man how perpetual his love should be. This latter will follow upon the former, since that affection which is unfeigned will not be fading. And yet more particularly, even if a man sees others who are stronger, healthier, and handsomer than himself, he does not therefore fall in love with them, or wish his head upon their shoulders, that is, when self-love is properly regulated. So, while other women may be more beautiful and lovely than his own wife, he must not dote on them and neglect her, or so much as wish an exchange. And yet further, just as nothing can make a man to be out of love with himself, though he be deformed or by some sad accident maimed and debilitated, so neither ought any natural defect or accidental mischance cause a remission, much less a cessation of the man’s love to his wife.

3. Self-Love is Tender

A man’s love of himself is tender. No man treats one so tenderly as he does himself. If you have a bad eye, a lame foot, or any other afflicted member, will you gouge it out, or chop it off, or will you not rather use it with an even greater care? And also, observe how careful men are of their glasses because they are so light and brittle. So too must a man’s affection and dealing toward his wife be ever so gentle and tender. The woman is the weaker vessel (1 Pet. 3:7), which must not be a cause of contempt but respect, and the more weak she is by reason of any sickness or distemper whatsoever, so much the more tender care ought to be had of her. Most unfortunately, there are some who instead of tenderness have been cruel to themselves by cutting or lancing, but they were either idolatrous, as Baal’s priests (1 Kings 18:28), or demoniacs (Math. 5:5), as he in the Gospel, and surely we may account them either besotted in their minds, or possessed with a devil who lay violent hands upon their wives. Yes, the husband is to govern the wife, but with counsels not stripes. Neither divine nor human Law grants the husband the power of castigation over his wife. And if she has evidence of her husband striking her, the civil Law allows her a bill of divorce, and why is this, but that stripes are for slaves, not lovers. Truly, not even the heathen make practice of this unnatural cruelty unless mad or drunk. 

4. Self-Love is Industrious

A man’s love to himself is industrious. His head is always planning and his hands always working for his own benefit, and even the greatest effort or sacrifice man doesn’t consider to be too much if it be for his own advantage. Indeed, if it means to preserve himself, man is willing to part with lands, goods, all he has! And such ought his love to be to his wife. He must be willing to part with anything for the sake of her comfort, and do so not begrudgingly, but freely. True love is not in verbal complement but in real implement. A wife should not have to squeeze beneficence from her husband as wine out of a grape, but rather, this true giving love should flow naturally as water from a fountain. And in so doing, the loving husband will prevent his wife’s wanton desire as he seeks and endeavors after her good. 

5. Self-Love is Pure

The love of a man to himself is pure. It has no base or sinister ends. He loves not himself upon certain accomplishments, but it is purely himself that he loves. Such ought a man’s love be to his wife. Not because she is rich, or young, or fair, but because she is his wife. With too many men they love only with their eyes and their fingers, because of the beauty they see in, or the money they receive from their wives. They do not rather love their wives with their hearts, out of an ingenuous and pious respect, and purely for that reason that she is his wife. 

6. Self-Love is Superlative

And lastly, a man’s love to himself is superlative. Love always begins at home, and self-love surpasses a man’s affection to any other whatsoever. Therefore, his love to his wife after this pattern must transcend his love to all other relations. Our apostle by this expression, “as himself,” is calling for vehemency of affection because self-love is of such a nature. 

Likewise, the ring given in marriage is of gold, the choicest among metals, to inform us that the dearest affections belong to the wife. For this cause, says Moses, “a man shall leave father and mother and cleave to his wife” (Gen. 2:24). Now, this is not to say that upon marriage, children are to cast aside their natural affection to their parents. However, if they seek to steal his affection from his wife, or say there comes such a sad strait where either his wife or his parents must perish, he ought first to relieve his wife. And the reason of all this is because she is himself. 

The Wife as the Husband’s Self 

Which brings me again to the consideration of the wife being not only like himself, but verily as a second self. For the conjunction “as,” represents the very identity of the thing signified. 

This is a sense in which the conjunction is sometimes used, such as when it is said concerning Christ, “We saw his glory as of the only begotten Son of God” (John 1:14). Here the conjunction notes not a mere likeness, but a reality, being the only begotten Son of God. And in the same construction is that commendation given to the Thessalonians for receiving the Word as (that is, being indeed) the Word not of man but of God (1 Thess. 2:13). The same sense is here to be given. The truth of which will easily appear upon two considerations.

First, of her origin by creation. The woman was made of a rib which was a part of the man. Thus, when a man takes a wife he repairs his side, he regains his rib (Gen. 2:18), and lays her in his bosom who was taken out of his side. In that expression in Genesis of making a helpmeet for him, the last words, for him, are fitly translated. As a glass that reflects upon him his own image, she is himself before himself, him seeing which was taken out of himself. 

Second, and chiefly, of her close communion with the man by marriage. When husband and wife are one flesh, the Law considers them as one person. Thus, man and wife are like two springs of water meeting, and so joining their streams they make but one current, unable to be severed. Or as those two branches in the prophet’s hand, enclosed in one bark, and so closely joined together that they make but one piece and produce the same fruit from either (Ezek. 37:17). Indeed, so close and near is the communion, that they have, in practice, all things in common: bodies, children, houses, conditions of prosperity and adversity. 

Conclusion 

And now, what is left for men to do but enlarge and increase their affections towards their wives? Indeed, it is a most unnatural thing for a man not to love himself, and it is no less so for him not to love his wife. Even irrational creatures teach a man to love himself, and in that, to love his wife. A man loves his goods, them being his own, parents love their children as being their own, and how much more should he love his wife as being himself. Though a man’s goods may not be so wealthy, nor children so comely as another’s, and yet, the nearness of relation commands affection. Or take for instance how every man’s country is most acceptable to him not because it is so great or fertile as others, but because it is his own, his native soil. Even if your wife may be far inferior in riches, beauty, and other such ornaments to other women, this obligation lies upon you to love her, because she is yours, yea, so much yours as that she is yourself. 

And thus, I have given a dispatch to the man’s duty. I now proceed with more brevity, but no less fidelity to the woman’s part, as it follows in those words, “and the wife (see) that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33).  

The Duty of The Wife: To Fear

Fear will not cause love, but love will produce fear. For this reason, love has been given the greater attention by the apostle, and I too have spent the greatest part of the time upon this duty, allotting to it an elder brother’s portion. However, I must not neglect to speak in some measure of this fear, which particularly belongs to the wife. 

Not a Slavish Fear

If we cast our eyes on the fifth verse of the following chapter, we shall find the apostle setting down fear as a chief ingredient in the servant’s duty, and here the same verb of that noun is used to express the wife’s duty to the husband. But while there is an agreement in the word, there is a great deal of difference in the thing. 

The fear of a wife is both nearer and dearer than slavish fear. Nearer, for according to the measure of the distance, so is the degree of the fear. And thus, since a servant is in a far lower condition, and at a greater distance from his master than a wife is from her husband, a slave’s fear must be of a more awful and submissive temper. This is why the apostle uses two words, fear and trembling, when referring to a slave’s fear. A slave’s fear is to be joined with trembling, expressing a fear of a higher degree. But the wife’s fear is to delight in her husband’s presence, and her fear is not such that trembles, or makes her to quake when she sees him. A wife’s fear is a delightful deference to her husband’s position as superior, preventing her from rising up against, contradicting, and insulting over him.

The wife’s fear is also dearer. For the slave’s fear is only of the rod, not the person. Whereas the wife’s fear is only of the person, and not any rod. The slave’s fear is often accompanied with hatred of his master, but the wife’s fear is always attended with a love of her husband.

The Reverent Nature of the Wife’s Fear

This dear and near fear, which is a wife’s debt to the husband, may continue to be expounded as also containing both an inward and outward reverence. The inward reverence of a wife’s duty to fear is seen in her acknowledgement of his superiority, and her dread to do anything which may displease him.

Inward Reverence Requires The Wife Respect Her Own Inferiority

In respect to both sex, and position, the man's authority is stated by Scripture and thus, must be confessed by the wife. This truth from sacred Writ is so clear in fact,  it can only be arrogance that would cause any wife to deny this…Share on X

Inward Reverence Requires The Wife Conform Her Will

Alongside this right judgment of inward reverence, is also a right conformity of the will. The wife’s fear requires from her a natural aversion from what offends her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Naturally flowing from her own will must be such an awful respect of the husband’s power and place that she dare not displease him. Yes, even the very consideration of contradicting his will she is to abhor as the greatest evil next only to the breach of God’s own precepts. The wife must take serious and thoughtful care how she may please her husband, so as it is her joy when she can give him content, and her grief when anything falls out that crosses his will, and proves distasteful to him. As the iron is drawn by the loadstone, as the marigold opens and shuts with the sun, and as the glass reflects the form and figure, so ought the wife’s own will mirror, and conform itself to that of her husband’s pleasure, as unto the Lord. 

Next, the outward reverence of a wife’s fear may be seen in her gestures, speech, and actions. 

Outward Reverence Must Be Seen in Her Gestures

First, in her gestures. For a wife’s respectful carriage and observant demeanor towards him demonstrates her reverence and regard for him. Rebekah displays this fear when she first saw Isaac, and how she proceeded to unsaddle her camel, and cover herself with a veil (Gen. 24:64-65). This is that fear which Saint Peter reminds the wives of in those words, “Whilest they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1 Pet. 3:2). In other words, it is an observable fear. A fear others may behold in both their conversation with and reverent attitude towards their husbands. Just as the moon veils its light when the sun appears, and yet, governs the world in its absence, so the wife. Though she is the ruler of the family in her husband’s absence, yet when he is present she must declare her reverence by giving place to him. 

Outward Reverence Must be Seen in Her Speech

Secondly, in her speech. When he is with her, her speech must be that of fairly entreating, modestly answering, mildly persuading, humbly admonishing, and upon the occasion, wisely forbearing to retort upon his passionate expressions. When he is away, she must not mention his name without respect, and avoid any expressions which (though out of his hearing) may betray any contempt either of his person, or power, or place. 

Outward Reverence Must be Seen in Her Actions

Thirdly, in her actions. The outward reverence of a wife’s fear unto her husband must cause her to willingly do what he requires, and abstain from what he forbids. Indeed, reverence is the grounding of obedience, and obedience is the best testimony of reverence. In other words, subjection is the effect of reverence, and the only real reverence is that which puts upon subjection. This is observed in Scripture in how the fear of God and keeping his commandments are so frequently joined together (Deut. 5:29). This suggests the inseparable connection between them. Whosoever fears God cannot but keep God’s commandments, and he who cannot keep God’s commandments does not fear Him (Eccl. 12:13). It is no less true concerning the wife to the husband, who ought to manifest her fear of him by her obedience to his desires. 

The Common Pitfalls of The Wife’s Fear

Improper Suspicion of His Fidelity

And now beloved, I wish there were no reason deserved by wives as well as men for a just accusation and severe correction, but indeed, some kind of fear is too prevalent in many women, in which neither are the men exempt. It is a fear of suspicion and jealousy in regards to each other’s fidelity. This is a crime that for the most part is found in them that are guilty themselves. As love prompts good men to think others are as faithful and just as themselves, so lust makes evil ones surmise others to be as vicious and licentious as they. This is a sin which is an enemy to all marriage duties, since it is jealousy that expels love out of the man’s heart towards his wife, and which hinders the woman from yielding that reverential fear she owes to her husband. Jealousy is a fault, which like envy, carries with it its own punishments: gnawing the bowels, distracting the thoughts, and tormenting the spirits of those who give entertainment to it. Even if there is a ground and reason for it, wise persons are not prone to embrace it. 

Mocking Eyes and Presumptuous Tongues

While there is often too much of that wrongful fear, and yet, see how most women also have too little of this reverent fear. Let the careless, irreverent conduct of many wives testify to how true this charge is. Solomon in the Proverbs mentions, “An eye that mocketh at his Father and despiseth to obey his mother” (Prov. 30:17), and indeed, there are too easily to be observed women of proud and scornful behavior with eyes that mock and despise not only their neighbors, but their own husbands. And it is not only the eyes, but tongues too which are found to be sharp, passionate, and full of presumptuous and impetuous speeches. They speak either chidingly like Jezebel, railingly like Zipporah, scoffingly like Michal, or reproachfully like Job’s wife. They have so little regard for their husbands, that they do not care to divulge their faults, and even heap upon them many slanders in discourse before others. And thus, by their reviling words and reproachful speeches, many men may thus say of their wives what Jacob said to his sons Simeon and Levi in regard to their cruelty, “You have made we to stink amongst the inhabitants of the land” (Gen. 34:30). 

Demanding the Opposite: The Husband Fear Her!

Instead of fearing their husbands, they make their husbands stand in fear of them … Monsters of their sexShare on X

While I speak in this way, I am only earnestly exhorting you to accept the practice of this duty. It is a strict charge that is here laid upon the woman by the apostle. And so as I get it from him, permit me to give it to you. Have a care that this duty of fear be not omitted. It is not an arbitrary thing which you may do or leave, but a most necessary work.

Conclusion

I know you are ready to say with them in the Gospel, “This is a hard saying, who can bear it?” (John 6:60). But be it ever so hard in your apprehension, it is yet just and right according to God’s ordination, and to repine at it is no less than to murmur at God himself. Oh, therefore “see,” as this text says! Look to it that you are giving due reverence unto your husband, and beware that you grudge not at this precept. Instead, see, look, that you cheerfully perform it. Seriously consider that it is not a slavish but a sincere fear which is here commanded, and that this fear from the wife is conjoined with a precept of honor from the husband. Even more so, where this precept is practiced, it brings forth a mutual respect from the man, for while by obeying, she commands! For so the mother told her daughter, “Do thou minister to thy husband, and he shall do the like to thee.” Be you then his handmaid, and he shall be your servant. As Sarah called Abraham Lord, so he called her Sarai, meaning my noblewoman. Let these meditations sweeten the perceived bitterness of this precept. Let there be a cordial love in the wife to her husband, and this command of fear will not be grievous to her. As subjection springs forth from fear, love is what gives rise to fear. As it is fitly said, “If love be present, fear will follow after it and attend upon it, and as the man’s love engages him to honor and protect, so the wife’s love will no less oblige her to fear and subjection.”

I conclude with one admonition to both the man and the woman’s part: as the one desires to love his wife, and the other to fear her husband, let both strive to have the love and fear of God rooted in their hearts. It is considerable that fear God and the King (Prov. 24:21) are put together by Solomon, and fear God and honor the King (1 Pet. 2:17) by Saint Peter, to suggest that the former always inclines to the latter. So I say here, fear God and your husband, fear God and honor your wife, since he who is faithful in his duty to God, cannot but be careful in his duty to man. 

Hebraists have observed that if the individual letters of the word which signifies God, YAH, be taken out of the words which signify man and woman, there is only left in both, the Hebrew word for fire. Nothing but the fire of malice in the man’s heart, the fire of pride in the woman’s, and the fire of contention between them both is to be expected, when God is not loved, feared, served and honored by them. 

And thus, the second general point has been spoken of: the marriage duties of the husband and the wife.

(3). The Personal Application

I now hasten to the personal application to be made of these duties. 

No Exceptions to the Performance of our Duties

Our text says, “let every one of you in particular.” Although these words are expressed specifically for the man, everyone in particular, whether man or woman is obliged to the practice of their duty. Yes, everyone is bound to their respective wife or husband, no matter what may be their condition or qualification. It is a very sad and yet all too common a thing for both sexes to give excuses for their non-observance to these divine injunctions. On the one hand, many a man is apt to say, I could love my wife if she was a person of quality, but she is so common, if she was wealthy, but she has brought me nothing, if she was meek and quiet, but she is contrary and carnal. It is true indeed that wisdom teaches you to take care that there be virtuous qualities, and some proportional equality of estate and degree in the person whom you choose for a wife. But once you enter into that relationship, justice obliges you to give her the love due to a wife. 

On the other hand, many a wife is ready to pretend that she would give due reverence to her husband if only he was not such a commoner, whose goods have only been raised by her estate. But no matter how superior she was before, yet by marriage she has become his inferior. And again, the wife may say she could reverence her husband if he was not such a debauched, profane and wicked man. To this point, I do wish that men did not lead such loose lives that give occasion for such an excuse. Such behavior leads not only to contempt in the eyes of their wife, but all their household. Even so, if the husband is ever so faulty, and his practices truly licentious, even yet, in respect of his place and relation, the wife still owes him this reverence. The truth is, there is no exception, so let none of either sex dare to provide an excuse to these duties. 

Let us Look Principally Upon our Own Duty

Bringing the universal down to the particular, our apostle says, “everyone of you in particular.” Or, according to the Greek, one by one. And so, consider this as a direct address to each one by one to make personal application of their own duty. 

Like David’s, “Thou art the man” (2 Sam. 12:7) and Saint Peter’s, “You have crucified” (Acts 2:36) and here, Saint Paul’s, “You in particular” (Eph. 5:33), all hearers are called to mix faith with what they hear, and that by a particular application of the word to their own hearts and lives. This principle applies to ministers in all their teaching: not to shoot at random but aim at the mark. And so each one in regard to themself ought to take notice, and see how they must square their own practice according to their duty.

It would be well if this were duly thought upon, and accordingly performed. But alas, every one of us looks to one another, and not our own duty. And to speak my thoughts freely, I fear this will be the use, or rather abuse, which too many will make of this sermon. It is very likely that when you come home, the husband will read his wife a lecture of her duty, and the wife will ring a peal in the husband’s ears concerning his. And so, while each upbraid the other, both forget what belongs to them in particular. Oh how preposterous a course this is! As if a student should only mind how his classmate learns his lesson, and not look to his own. Or a man should take notice of what is good for his neighbor, but not notice his own disease. As the apostle most justly advises, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others,” (Phil. 2:4). And therefore, my counsel in this case is look not so much on the duties of others, as every man to his own. 

And how much more should this be considered in the present matter, for it is all too frequent for both the man and the wife to justify their own neglect by blaming each other. What excuses are more common than these? The man says, I could love my wife if she reverenced me. And the wife says, I would reverence my husband if he loved me. Both are ready to say, let him do this, or her do that, and then I will do my part. But oh how vain is this plea. Man’s responsibility to his duty is not conditional upon the woman’s performance of her own, nor vice versa. Both are obliged to fulfill their own work because God has called them to it, no matter what the other does. On this point, a Greek father gives excellent counsel, where he puts forth this question and answers it, “What if the woman does not fear you? Yet, love her, and so perform thy part.” And likewise, if the woman is not beloved by her husband, even so, let her reverence her husband. As our blessed Savior said, “It is better to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). So it is better to pay than to require. If another fails in duty to you, it is your cross, but if you fail in duty to another, it is your curse. Assure yourself, oh man or woman, it is more acceptable to God and commendable among men, that you should do your own part, than challenge that which is another’s towards you. 

Conclusion: Let Us Pray

To conclude, although every one of us must make application for ourselves, yet this does not mean we cannot exhort each other, the husband to the wife, and the wife (with care) to the husband. And while our application is individual, yet our supplication ought to be mutual: the husband for the wife, the wife for the husband, and both together that they may know and practice their duties. Let us therefore pray for one another, and let it be my prayer for you all here present this day, who are knit together in the matrimonial bond, that every husband may love his wife as himself, and every wife reverence her husband as she ought. And yet more especially, let us pray for that worthy pair, whose nuptials have been lately solemnized, that by the practice of their duties each to the other, they may be happy one in each other, and the blessing of heaven may be upon them both, even a peaceable tranquility, hopeful posterity, abundant competency, with length of days here, and a never fading glory, and eternal felicity hereafter. 

Amen. 

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1. Merchant– Businessman engaged in the trade of goods, and likely successful, being used as a title of respect.

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2. The author goes on to add brief contextual details and advice regarding hermeneutics here omitted by the editor.

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3. Fear – Often translated reverence, revere, or respect. This word is everywhere else in the New Testament translated fear, and is the same word in Ephesians 5:21 for fearing Christ, thus, this section of Scripture is bookended by the duty to fear. Hardy will later explain how this is not a term to be “afraid” of, but how it more precisely describes the careful inward and outward reverence that is due from the wife toward her husband. 

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4. Superior and Inferior – Inferior today carries for some the connotation of intrinsic lesserness in value or worth. The Puritan’s however, were more comfortable with the terms superior and inferior when speaking of differences between the two genders and especially within the context of hierarchical relationships. 

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5. Insult – To transgress the proper boundaries of their position by insensitive or unseemly behavior.

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6. Churlish – Rude, ill-mannered.

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7. Surly – Bad-tempered, unfriendly, irritable, gruff. 

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8. Conveniencies – Practical and helpful amenities. In between essentials and luxuries. 

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9. Drudges – Laborer of low social status.

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10. Voluptuous – Excessive and possibly frivolous or morally questionable. 

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11. Gadder – Busy-body. Someone who wandered from place to place, engaging in gossip or socializing in a way that was considered improper or frivolous. 

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12. Lewd – Vulgar, indecent, sexually inappropriate.

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13. Licentious – Promiscuous, lacking self-restraint. 

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14. The author goes on to distinguish between spiritual, natural, and matrimonial love which the editor has chosen to omit.

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